Lost mojo … having it all can be oberwhelming

 

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I feel overwhelmed by the multitude of the responsibilities. There was a time when a large family was all I wanted in life. I still do but the constant worries about my children chronic conditions just get me. Most of the time I feel in-adequate as a mum and I probably am. I don;t know how other people cope with chronic conditions but for me it’;s been a struggle. Living a healthy life seems to be such and enormous task that even simple steps overwhelm me.

Just when I thought I was having it all together I started loosing it. My efficiency is long gone because the minute I start counting what are my tasks for the day I get tired. I’m tired of being tired and I’m tired of getting around in a circle. It would be nice a spiral … to evolve and grow from the experience. Unfortunately I’m stuck, I feel stuck into the same routine day after day. If I work (as in a job) I feel tired and get torn out fairly easy, if i don’t work I have no structure and no desire to do anything other than basic.

It struck me yesterday that there is nothing I would like to have in my life that I don’t have … but I’m still not happy not even close. I don;’t want anything, there is nothing out there to make me happy. The very sad reality is that I have it all but I’m on the edge of depression. I know it must be something inside me that needs to come into the light. but I cannot find that something. It was never an easy task to do nothing but just be with myself.

I look at myself in the mirror and I don;’t know who that is …

Tomorrow is my Bday and I feel sad (of course that’s my general feeling of the year). Not for the year that passed but because I lost touch with myself and I don’t feel anything about this person called “ME”.

People ask me if I’ll have a party but I don’t feel like it, I don’t feel like anything at all.

There is so much dryness and emptiness inside me that sometimes I’m wondering how do I still function…

 

 

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